Friday, June 11, 2010

The past will haunt us for years to come.

I became an adult around the age of ten or so.  Both of my parents have suffered from mental illness for decades, and to this day, they still need me far too much.  If I don't drive the 300-some miles back to their home every few months, they start saying things in phone calls that make me feel terribly guilty.  I want to live my own life!!  I moved away-let me go, please!  A phone call with them last night ended up bringing me to tears afterwards.  Am I really strong enough to have two grown adults relying on me constantly?  How am I the strongest?  When I was born, why was I automatically chosen to be my parents' parent?  Almost a decade ago, I had to talk my father off of a balcony in the middle of the night.  I can't tell you how many times my parents have threatened to end their lives over one thing or another.  Why must I keep them grounded?  When my mother finally realized that her doctor had her on too high of a dose of pain pills years ago, I was the one taking care of my younger sister while my mother was horribly ill from the withdrawal symptoms.  I did all of this while battling my own severe depression for over a decade.  Somedays, I truly wonder how I am still alive.  If it were for a few amazing friends and the music I love so much, I doubt I'd be here.  It's taken years of therapy, medication, and moving out of my parents' house to finally learn to love myself.  I missed out on so much in life already, all because my father hates himself.  How can I cure the depression I hear seeping out of my cell phone when I talk to him and my mom?  I can't.  Of course I started out college as a Psychology major; I've essentially been a therapist my whole life already.  I've had to talk my parents out of hurting themselves and each other.  I cried so hard last night while telling Chris about all of this.  I never really got to be a kid.  I mean, yea, I did, but at the same time, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Having three other people depend on my so heavily: no wonder I want children now.  I can't fix my parents or their pasts, but I can create beautiful children someday with my future husband, and I can raise them so that they enjoy every second of their childhood, and so they never have to grow up too soon.  Sometimes I feel like the strongest person in the world.  Other days I just wonder, why me?
I know that this responsibility has been chosen for me.  I didn't have a say in the matter.  And they're my family.
  So I'll do this without another complaint.  

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing. You are very brave.