Til We Earned a Holiday...

Happy 4th of July!!

As frustrating as certain things in this country can be, I'm glad I live in America.  We are so incredibly lucky here.  I wish all the shitty-ass hard core criminals would just move to other countries already.  You obviously don't like the rules here, so good luck finding another country who allows people to go on television saying how much they dislike their leader.  I feel like there is so much bullshit out there, on the internets, that just clouds the judgement of people who are easily influenced by others' opinions.  Phew, okay, happier talk!  Chris and I are heading to western PA in a couple of days, and I'm so excited!!  :D  And I will write more at a later time... Have a lovely holiday!

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I plan on quitting my job this week.  I can't really stand it anymore.  I love Walgreens, I do, it's just..I feel like my soul is dying.  If I have one.  The company has been heading in a downhill spiral for a while now and I'm just not happy working there anymore.  I can't stand it when customers need a plastic bag for a pack of gum.  I get so fucking angry inside.  I just want to bitch them out.  People are so fucking selfish.  Who cares if our world gets covered in bags that won't break down for a thousand years?  Who cares?  They won't be around, so it doesn't matter to them.  I'm also tired of this "Do absolutely anything short of literally kissing their asses" frame of mind we're supposed to have.  I can't do it anymore.  The drive to work takes me at least thirty minutes, in which I have to fight with other drivers on the road to get where I'm going in a reasonable amount of time.  It's so stressful.  Then there's my store.  I really like my manager.  It's extremely laid back at my store, but maybe that's part of the problem.  I see all of my coworkers constantly breaking basic rules, and I can't even get mad about it.  But it drives me nuts inside.  I watch one coworker, who is getting paid at least a dollar more an hour than me, arrive late for his shift EVERY SINGLE DAY.  The best part?  This kid lives literally a block from my store.  He can walk to work and he's always at least twenty minutes late.  And I don't think he's been written up or anything, even.  WTF? I'm sorry, but in what job can you show up when you want and not get in trouble?  It's bullshit.  And I've never really felt comfortable in my store.  Everyone who works there started when the store opened.  They all live really near each other, too, and at least half of them even went to high school together.  They go out all the time, and I've never once been invited.  I ended up having a meltdown the other day, because I got fucked over.  We had this community day thing, and I was asked to work the morning shift instead of at night, so I could help with things.  Well, I get to work only to be told that I must be on the register inside all day.  So while every other person got to hang out outside, I was trapped at the counter inside.  Then, they had our main cashier come in to help.  My manager told me that this cashier would be relieving me so I could enjoy the festivities.  Well, the cashier shows up and says she's not going on the register.  Instead of my manager telling her to get on the register, she just shrugs her shoulders.  Fuck that.  I'm over it.  After crying the whole shift, not a single one of my coworkers got ahold of me later to see if I was okay.  Thanks, friends.  Oh well, I'm bigger and better than all this bullshit.  I've got to keep my sanity, and this seems to be the only way.

The past will haunt us for years to come.

I became an adult around the age of ten or so.  Both of my parents have suffered from mental illness for decades, and to this day, they still need me far too much.  If I don't drive the 300-some miles back to their home every few months, they start saying things in phone calls that make me feel terribly guilty.  I want to live my own life!!  I moved away-let me go, please!  A phone call with them last night ended up bringing me to tears afterwards.  Am I really strong enough to have two grown adults relying on me constantly?  How am I the strongest?  When I was born, why was I automatically chosen to be my parents' parent?  Almost a decade ago, I had to talk my father off of a balcony in the middle of the night.  I can't tell you how many times my parents have threatened to end their lives over one thing or another.  Why must I keep them grounded?  When my mother finally realized that her doctor had her on too high of a dose of pain pills years ago, I was the one taking care of my younger sister while my mother was horribly ill from the withdrawal symptoms.  I did all of this while battling my own severe depression for over a decade.  Somedays, I truly wonder how I am still alive.  If it were for a few amazing friends and the music I love so much, I doubt I'd be here.  It's taken years of therapy, medication, and moving out of my parents' house to finally learn to love myself.  I missed out on so much in life already, all because my father hates himself.  How can I cure the depression I hear seeping out of my cell phone when I talk to him and my mom?  I can't.  Of course I started out college as a Psychology major; I've essentially been a therapist my whole life already.  I've had to talk my parents out of hurting themselves and each other.  I cried so hard last night while telling Chris about all of this.  I never really got to be a kid.  I mean, yea, I did, but at the same time, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Having three other people depend on my so heavily: no wonder I want children now.  I can't fix my parents or their pasts, but I can create beautiful children someday with my future husband, and I can raise them so that they enjoy every second of their childhood, and so they never have to grow up too soon.  Sometimes I feel like the strongest person in the world.  Other days I just wonder, why me?
I know that this responsibility has been chosen for me.  I didn't have a say in the matter.  And they're my family.
  So I'll do this without another complaint.  

And every sip's moving through my eyes and up into my brain.

I haven't really made any girl friends here.  And it's really starting to get to me.  Especially since it's finally beautiful outside, after winter being hell, and I have no one to go with me while I photograph things.  Well, I had made one girl friend here but then I ended that friendship.  She was too needy and I didn't wanna get dragged into the poor excuse of a life she had made for herself.  So I'm glad I did it, but I probably haven't made friends since I did that.  Karma's a bitch.  I'm very cool once someone gets to know me, but I still have social anxiety and it's hard to just make friends.  I talk to many more guys than girls, since I work with all guys, but I feel intimidated by girls for some reason.  I'm such a headcase.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

Here's one picture from the "Snowpocalypse" lol. I really like this one, actually. And yes, looking at the architecture of buildings that mirror the one I live in, and see just how off-kilter some of them look...oh my. In our living room, actually, one windowsill is 2 inches higher than the other. And when we sit on desk chairs with wheels, we naturally slide across the hardwood floor, giving in to gravity. You get accustomed to grabbing your desk before putting your full body weight into the seat. Lol.

I've realized lately that honesty is incredibly important to me. I cannot stand liars anymore. I've hated myself for more of life than not, and now that I actually like myself, I feel so confident and it's helped me see what things matter. I've been shit on, and walked all over, and I'm over that. I got to start over when I moved out here, and it's really great to be able to do that! You can stay in one place so long that you just blend into the background and feel yourself fading out slowly. It was hard in a smaller place, where you knew a lot of people, and they already had an impression of you. A clean slate. And I haven't changed much. But I'm much braver! I can pretty much say anything I want to anyone and I'm not afraid to. I don't say disrespectful or mean things. Just things that need to be said and a lot of people are afraid to say them. For instance, the other day, a co-worker noticed some of our carts going up the elevator to the fancy-pants realtor's office that rents the top of our building. Which our store owns. When my managers found out, they began discussing who should go check it out. I instantly offered when I heard about it. I went next door and asked if they had any of our carts, since someone had saw some there. The lady looked around but didn't see any. When I got back, the managers (two really sweet girls in the late 20s) kept going on about how they could never have asked them about the carts! Yea, I was nervous (for some reason, I'm secretly terrified by the wealthy. I think I've seen too many movies about the rich being able to do anything they want cause money rules the world or something.), but I did it! lol. But seriously though. This ass came into work the other day saying some bullshit about how the Magic Jack should be 19.95, that he heard it advertised for that at Walgreens. I told him no, we've always sold it for 39.99, that's what it's advertised as, etc. He got all high and mighty with me, asking if he could bring it back and get a $20 refund when he proved me wrong. I told him no, we don't do price comparisons. He continued to annoy me, telling me how right he was and how wrong I was and how he was gonna come back and prove me wrong. A little later, I got called up for an IC3. He happened to be one of my customers. "Oh!" he says to me, "you were right by the way!" I told him that I knew I was right. He told me I didn't have to have an attitude. This, of course, pissed me off. I simply told him that I was only giving him the attitude he gave me. Go ahead and complain, sir, you won't be the first to complain about me. Okay, maybe the third in 2 years. I've never once been written up at work (knock on wood) and since I don't plan on moving up much further, I don't care if I do get a write-up. Shit, I've never been written up or even gotten detention. So bring it! lol jk jk.

But yea, honesty is great. I wish people couldn't lie. Like in Liar, Liar. That'd be so awesome.

First train home, got to get on it.

This is my boyfriend and I. We've been together for 3.5 years now. :)

He got a loan from school and we just paid off all of our credit cards! What a huuge relief!! Debt sucks! Now just to pay off all those yucky students loans we've piled up. Ick.

So this winter has been the worst one that Philadelphia has EVER seen. We had a 23 inch blizzard in early December, which was crazy for the area as it was. Then, last week, we got a lovely 28.5 inch blizzard that ranked second for all-time snowstorms here. And then on Wednesday, we got another foot and a half of snow on top of the two feet we already had! Insanity! I feel like this may be our fault..it seems to have followed us from Erie! On Wednesday, I was scheduled to work at 8. I got up at 6 to see what it looked like outside, and it wasn't too bad. I considered not going in, since it normally takes me 30+ minutes to make it to work. However, when I texted my manager to see if that was ok, she said yea, but the district manager said that we can't use any sort of personal day, sick day, or holiday! Which sucked, and I already missed work on Saturday cause the weather was so bad, so I went in. The roads sucked. Now, I am an amazing driver in the snow. I've had 6 years of practice with living in Erie, so it's honestly nothing for me. It's just that everyone here can't drive in this weather, so I have to deal with the idiots. Lots of them. A million and a half of them, actually. lol. So it was a stressful drive. I get to work, and we hear all these reports about how awful the weather is about to turn. Around 10 or so, the snow began to fall again-very hard. (that's what she said ;)) My manager, Ann, the pharmacist, Cory (both of who live in Old City, which is 35-40 blocks further from our store than I live!), and I decided we probably shouldn't try driving home..so we took the train. Well, Cory couldn't leave til the other pharmacist showed, so Ann and I left for the train. Luckily, it's only three blocks from our store, so not too bad of a walk. It was exciting though, and my first regional rail train ride! Then I had to get off at the 30th street station and walk to the subway, then take that to 46th, then walk 3 blocks home. Quite an adventure!

I've noticed I've been having a ton of random-ass adventures here that would NEVER have happened in Erie! And I love it! For instance, two weekends ago, Chris and I went with a bunch of people from his poli-sci program to this vegan restaurant in Chinatown. We got to rent out the downstairs banquet room, and did karaoke for hours!! It was soo much fun!! I was one of only two girls there lol but so much fun! And up until last year, I didn't sing in front of just anyone. In fact, I never really started singing in front of Chris until a few months ago. :)

I think I should write a book on how to drive/park/get around in a huge city during a blizzard! I got to drive a cab during the December blizzard, cause the driver couldn't get through an intersection. I got through first try! :) Then the other day, I watched this car of guys try over 15 times to get out of an alley behind my apartment. Finally, I went up and knocked on the driver's window. I told him that he shouldn't gun his engine, and instead gently go. He tried this, and I swear to god, he got out his first try! :D That's right, I'm amazing. lol.

Yesterday, we went sledding! In a city! There's a nice park about 5 blocks from us that we met up with some of our friends at. It was a ton of fun. There were tons of kids and adults there, and they were all really nice-some kids let us borrow some sleds since we just had cardboard!! However, I'm also the biggest klutz ever, cause I hurt my knee! I ruined the tendons and ligaments in my right ankle about 12 years ago, and never got it fixed. For the first time in 3 years I twisted said ankle, which didn't hurt, but it did hurt when I landed right on my left kneecap on the one patch of cleared-off cement! Ugh! It's pretty badly bruised, and hurts like hell, I'm hoping it'll be ok. This morning, I had to catch the subway and train again back to work to get my car, and while walking down some stairs in the train station, I missed the last step and landed hard on my knees again! Gah! I need a helmet and to be wrapped in bubble wrap, please!! :D

I really wish some of my good friends would move out here! The fun we would have...wow. It's just so amazing to live here, I love it!

I'm obsessed with "First Train Home" by Imogen Heap. Such a catchy song!

Is it too late to start with your heart in a headlock?

these are my xmas lights. I love them.

I kinda feel like I had an epiphany or something. Essentially, "Don't worry about what others think about you. Do what you want to, and do what is necessary to obtain happiness." I feel that embarrassment is a waste of emotion. You've got better things to do than sit around worrying about that silly thing you said to your coworkers, or that time that you tripped on the sidewalk in front of a crowd of people. It's okay! Everyone does it! You're human. You make mistakes and it's alright, just brush it off and learn from it. This is obviously so much easier said than done, but in the end, it's so worth it. I was single for 2.5 months last year. It was a really good thing, because I took that time to find myself and learn to stand up for myself and who I am. Don't lose yourself, and if you do, search and find it again; life is so much better when you can love yourself.

No one else will have me, only you.

It's been a busy few months since I've moved out here to Philly. Or, really, "In West Philadelphia, born and raised. On a playground is where I spent most of my days..." Good ole' Fresh Prince haha.

I am going to rant on here about things that annoy me a lot while driving in the city. Not much in this entry, but I've developed crazy road rage that's 10x worse than it was when I lived in Erie or Butler. I'll tell you my biggest pet peeve that every single driver in Philadelphia does: NOT USING TURN SIGNALS!!! I've never had so many people cut me off or suddenly turn without signaling! And to make matters worse, most other drivers just assume everyone else won't signal, so many times people have gone around me in intersections cause they think I might be turning. wtf? People are insane! But it's kinda fun driving here. My favorite time to drive is when I'm coming home from work sometimes at 10 or so at night. I take Chestnut from 63rd to 44th street, and the lights are timed to change for traffic, so it's a lot of fun to drive. Especially cause I totally change lanes a lot and it's fun :) I think I'd be a kickass stunt driver heh.

The leaves picture was taken at Bartram's Garden. It's the oldest living botanical garden in the U.S.! It's pretty great, too. I enjoyed taking this picture of yellow ginkgo leaves!

Here is a picture of some bubbles with a light on the other side. Bubbles can be very entertaining, even for adults ;)

Here's Chris and I at Bartram's. The skyline is actually behind us but it was all misty-raining out, so you could barely see it. Hi to everyone that I miss!! :D

So I guess I embarrass people that I'm walking with sometimes. If I see something neat, I have to take a picture of it!! I know I probably look odd, bending down on the sidewalk to take pictures of the side of the building, lol. But, I don't care. I've realized that you should just enjoy life, and not care about what others think of you. I am extremely klutzy, and sometimes I trip over my own feet, or a crack in the sidewalk, etc. Now that I live in a big city, there are usually at least 10 people that watch me trip each time lol. And I just brush it off, act like nothing happened and keep walking lol. It's fun actually! If people react, just act like they're nuts. I mean, tripping is usually an accident. Why get embarrassed by something you couldn't help? I feel the same way about, um, bowel movements, burps, farts, etc. These are bodily functions people! We have to do these things to survive, lol. What in the hell is there to get embarrassed about? I mean, yea, sure, they're a bit gross. But who cares? I feel the same way about buying tampons and pads. Women who get embarrassed by this shouldn't! I mean, obviously, there's a good chance if you're a woman, you're menstruating. It's okay, it's not like it's used haha! This makes me think of my plastic bag boycott. I'll get into that another time...

I absolutely love this picture. Again, it was taken at Bartram's Gardens. I could have gotten it in slightly better focus, but it was really windy and I'm lucky to have gotten this! :)

Falling asleep to the sound of sirens..

We learned the first night we slept in our apartment that we must live awfully close to a fire station. It's a couple of blocks away. Luckily for us, it's situated on the one-way street that comes towards us; any fires to the west of this station get the quick response from the firemen. This means we hear sirens constantly. I just heard 4 firetrucks roar past, horns blaring loudly, since Chestnut is a pretty well-traveled road. I didn't sleep well the first week here; the sirens are tough to get used to at first. So are the stereos and loud music I hear. I have to say, I don't really listen to jazz music, but every time I do hear it I smile. For some reason, jazz makes me think of Christmas. Which is strange, and I don't really have a reason for this connection. Lol. I've never heard so much rap music in my life since I have living here lol. I love love having the windows open at night, so I have to put up with it. Dogs bark all the time, too. Especially a big sounding dog that lives somewhere up 44th.

Four weeks into the school year, I've started reading my textbooks. As they came in the mail or through Fed-Ex I would put them on the top of my desk. It's been hard buckling down this semester. I just want to go explore and shop and stuff, and I haven't been concentrating very well. Time to get to work, though. One of my classes is way tough; it's about special education assessments and it's a lot to learn. But I think I like it. I took notes on the first 4 chapters of the book today. I'm slowly starting to get pretty interested in it, especially since I work a little less now than I did last year. And every year before that since I was 17.

I've been sick for the past week. I think I'm just about over it. My sinuses spaz out every fall like clockwork. It was a miserable last week; I missed a few days of work and a class. I still feel like sleeping a lot but hopefully that'll go away soon.

Um, I love my dog a lot. Like she's so freaking cute sometimes. Chris and I alternate who has to get up at 6 or 7 am to take her out; she seems to have figured out who is to take her out that day. This morning she woke me up by once again laying on my chest, touching her paws to my face and whimpering/growling at me to get up. I just wish I could take photographs with my eyes. If I could have any superpower, that is seriously what I would pick. I'd just plug a USB drive into myself and save the photos I'd taken that week. I'm gonna start searching thrift stores for magic lamps that may have a genie inside of it. :D

I love picniks!

So I discovered picnik.com yesterday. Well, actually, Chris showed me it. It's essentially photoshop online, for free! Needless to say, I've been on the site nonstop since then. I especially love the 1960's effect, it's amazing! I adore the look of old photographs! :) Here are a few samples of stuff I've done with some of my pictures, feel free to comment!