Seventy Times 7 - Brand New

So is that what you call a getaway?  Tell me what you got away with.  Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish; I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.  So have another drink and drive yourself home; I hope there's ice on all the roads. And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt, and again when your head goes through the windshield.
Is that what you call tact?  You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.  So let's end this call, and end this conversation.  Is that what you call a getaway?  Well tell me what you got away with.  Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed; when you say best friends means friends forever.

Everyone's caught onto everything you do.  (I can't, let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught onto...(I can't, let you, let me down again...)
____

Happy Thanksgiving!!  Sorry, these lyrics fit my feelings towards someone.  Lol.

Do what you want; Just say so. Open up your mind.

"Do What You Want" by Guster is an amazing song.  Chris and I saw them live last month, and it was such a great show!  They played several songs from Easy Wonderful, Ganging Up on the Sun, Keep it Together, and Lost and Gone Forever.  I just stared in awe at the drummer for most of the show; He only uses one drumstick at the most, and uses his hands the rest of the time.  He is so insane!  I love when drummers use their hands..I feel like they're closer to their instrument.  It's really awesome to watch.  :D

I ended a long friendship recently.  And I'm 100% sure it was the right thing to do.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel some regret about choices made over the past years involving this person.  But it was very lopsided.  And frankly, I'm at the age where I don't want to forcefully hang on to a friendship that was built on simple loyalty.  When Chris broke up with me a few years ago, she was my only friend left in town.  I had not balanced having a live-in boyfriend with friends well, and it backfired.  Chris dumping me ended up being the best thing for us, as I took that time to find myself a little more, and to realize that before I could fully love him, I had to love myself.  I hadn't done that in many years.  And it's lead to us still having a very strong, deep relationship in which we are never bored, angry, or lonely.  We've lived together for over four years and it's always just worked and flowed.  However, I now have friends, too, haha.  Before, I thought I had to give him 100% of me for him to love me.  But that wasn't the case!  He also loves me for my confidence and my independence and individuality.  Pre-break-up, I stupidly assumed that I had to like every single thing he liked, and revolve my world around his.  That isn't healthy at all, though.  We're two people who are sharing their lives together; we're not one singular being/voice/mind.  There have to be disagreements and arguments (I mean arguments in the sense that Chris once got a full college scholarship for debate, and we're both very strong-minded and stubborn) for a relationship to work!  We're equals; again, two halves to the whole that is US.  Enough with the mooshy-gooshy stuff, ;), back to the point.

After Chris and I got back together, I still clung to the friendship with the girl who let me cry on her shoulder when I was single.  I guess I always felt indebted to her for helping me through a rough time.  But things got too crazy and I can only put up with bullshit for so long.  So it's over.  And I've made a great friend in the process.  I don't think I've ever talked to someone on the phone as much as I have lately with this new friend, and I actually enjoy it!  It's great having a close friend who you actually have some things in common with.  And who isn't bat shit crazy bahaha.  Things are working out just like they should.

But for real...  Bitches shouldn't throw stones in glass houses.

a very crazy month.

This was the sunset one of the nights that Jen, Karen, and I camped at Assateague Island.  It was a really great time.  It was tough, a few times, cause Karen is only 1, and there was a lot of sand and bugs, lol.  But this trip was in the midst of the craziest month I've had in an awfully long time!

Chris and I went back to the Western side of PA the second week of July.  It was nice, but stressful.  It's always so damn stressful.  And with a wedding in the family in the next 9 months, the stress level was running even higher.  I love my family, don't get me wrong, but 4 incredibly easily-stressed out people together is not a good time.  I just continuously feel so glad that Chris is so normal.  Mentally.  He has like 0% crazy in him.  That's perfect to counteract me and my insanity lol.  

Chris and I went to the Phipps Conservatory in Pittsburgh when we were in town.  I took a ton of photographs!  I also took a bunch at my parents' house.  They do a ton of landscaping, and there's always a ton to take pictures of.  I love it!  And miss it, here in the city.  

A week after Chris and I got back into town, Jen and Karen came to visit!  It was their first time visiting me, so it was very exciting!  Our trip to Assateague took up a good deal of their visit.  It's an island in Maryland that has tons of wild horses on it!  They're everywhere!  It's real sad, though.  One was killed last month.  There are signs and warnings all over the island, about staying away from the horses.  They are WILD, which means they do what they want.  They can and will hurt you.  We saw a bunch of people touching them, and letting their kids touch them!  Idiots!  We yelled at them out the window, and then I called the ranger station and told them what was going on.  They were glad.  It just pisses me off, because it's people like them who ruin things for everyone else.  If it keeps getting bad, then they'll have to ship the horses off to somewhere else or something.  So stay back and let everyone enjoy!  I got lots of pictures of horses.  So neat!

So on the 30th, I got foot surgery.  I had a really big bunion on my left foot, and it had become painful and awful so I decided to get it fixed.  I'm glad I got it done, but it's pretty painful.  And the past few nights, when I try to fall asleep, I just feel like my toes are being pulled apart from each other.  And it's horrible! My big toe is technically pulled apart from my other toes now, but it doesn't feel natural and it's so terrible.  Ugh.  I took my pain meds pretty late today, since I couldn't get up early lol, so I'm hoping they'll be working full force when I lay down, haha.  We'll see.  Since I've been laid up, I've been staying in my place most of the time, cause I'm on the third floor and the building has high ceilings lol.  It's way too hard getting up and down.  So I've been editing the 500+ photos I've taken in the past month.  I've been loving it!  Chris let me get photoshop the other day!  I also bought a book to help me use photoshop, cause it's confusing as all hell.  So we'll see how that goes.  

I love this photo!!

Til We Earned a Holiday...

Happy 4th of July!!

As frustrating as certain things in this country can be, I'm glad I live in America.  We are so incredibly lucky here.  I wish all the shitty-ass hard core criminals would just move to other countries already.  You obviously don't like the rules here, so good luck finding another country who allows people to go on television saying how much they dislike their leader.  I feel like there is so much bullshit out there, on the internets, that just clouds the judgement of people who are easily influenced by others' opinions.  Phew, okay, happier talk!  Chris and I are heading to western PA in a couple of days, and I'm so excited!!  :D  And I will write more at a later time... Have a lovely holiday!

.

I plan on quitting my job this week.  I can't really stand it anymore.  I love Walgreens, I do, it's just..I feel like my soul is dying.  If I have one.  The company has been heading in a downhill spiral for a while now and I'm just not happy working there anymore.  I can't stand it when customers need a plastic bag for a pack of gum.  I get so fucking angry inside.  I just want to bitch them out.  People are so fucking selfish.  Who cares if our world gets covered in bags that won't break down for a thousand years?  Who cares?  They won't be around, so it doesn't matter to them.  I'm also tired of this "Do absolutely anything short of literally kissing their asses" frame of mind we're supposed to have.  I can't do it anymore.  The drive to work takes me at least thirty minutes, in which I have to fight with other drivers on the road to get where I'm going in a reasonable amount of time.  It's so stressful.  Then there's my store.  I really like my manager.  It's extremely laid back at my store, but maybe that's part of the problem.  I see all of my coworkers constantly breaking basic rules, and I can't even get mad about it.  But it drives me nuts inside.  I watch one coworker, who is getting paid at least a dollar more an hour than me, arrive late for his shift EVERY SINGLE DAY.  The best part?  This kid lives literally a block from my store.  He can walk to work and he's always at least twenty minutes late.  And I don't think he's been written up or anything, even.  WTF? I'm sorry, but in what job can you show up when you want and not get in trouble?  It's bullshit.  And I've never really felt comfortable in my store.  Everyone who works there started when the store opened.  They all live really near each other, too, and at least half of them even went to high school together.  They go out all the time, and I've never once been invited.  I ended up having a meltdown the other day, because I got fucked over.  We had this community day thing, and I was asked to work the morning shift instead of at night, so I could help with things.  Well, I get to work only to be told that I must be on the register inside all day.  So while every other person got to hang out outside, I was trapped at the counter inside.  Then, they had our main cashier come in to help.  My manager told me that this cashier would be relieving me so I could enjoy the festivities.  Well, the cashier shows up and says she's not going on the register.  Instead of my manager telling her to get on the register, she just shrugs her shoulders.  Fuck that.  I'm over it.  After crying the whole shift, not a single one of my coworkers got ahold of me later to see if I was okay.  Thanks, friends.  Oh well, I'm bigger and better than all this bullshit.  I've got to keep my sanity, and this seems to be the only way.

The past will haunt us for years to come.

I became an adult around the age of ten or so.  Both of my parents have suffered from mental illness for decades, and to this day, they still need me far too much.  If I don't drive the 300-some miles back to their home every few months, they start saying things in phone calls that make me feel terribly guilty.  I want to live my own life!!  I moved away-let me go, please!  A phone call with them last night ended up bringing me to tears afterwards.  Am I really strong enough to have two grown adults relying on me constantly?  How am I the strongest?  When I was born, why was I automatically chosen to be my parents' parent?  Almost a decade ago, I had to talk my father off of a balcony in the middle of the night.  I can't tell you how many times my parents have threatened to end their lives over one thing or another.  Why must I keep them grounded?  When my mother finally realized that her doctor had her on too high of a dose of pain pills years ago, I was the one taking care of my younger sister while my mother was horribly ill from the withdrawal symptoms.  I did all of this while battling my own severe depression for over a decade.  Somedays, I truly wonder how I am still alive.  If it were for a few amazing friends and the music I love so much, I doubt I'd be here.  It's taken years of therapy, medication, and moving out of my parents' house to finally learn to love myself.  I missed out on so much in life already, all because my father hates himself.  How can I cure the depression I hear seeping out of my cell phone when I talk to him and my mom?  I can't.  Of course I started out college as a Psychology major; I've essentially been a therapist my whole life already.  I've had to talk my parents out of hurting themselves and each other.  I cried so hard last night while telling Chris about all of this.  I never really got to be a kid.  I mean, yea, I did, but at the same time, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Having three other people depend on my so heavily: no wonder I want children now.  I can't fix my parents or their pasts, but I can create beautiful children someday with my future husband, and I can raise them so that they enjoy every second of their childhood, and so they never have to grow up too soon.  Sometimes I feel like the strongest person in the world.  Other days I just wonder, why me?
I know that this responsibility has been chosen for me.  I didn't have a say in the matter.  And they're my family.
  So I'll do this without another complaint.  

And every sip's moving through my eyes and up into my brain.

I haven't really made any girl friends here.  And it's really starting to get to me.  Especially since it's finally beautiful outside, after winter being hell, and I have no one to go with me while I photograph things.  Well, I had made one girl friend here but then I ended that friendship.  She was too needy and I didn't wanna get dragged into the poor excuse of a life she had made for herself.  So I'm glad I did it, but I probably haven't made friends since I did that.  Karma's a bitch.  I'm very cool once someone gets to know me, but I still have social anxiety and it's hard to just make friends.  I talk to many more guys than girls, since I work with all guys, but I feel intimidated by girls for some reason.  I'm such a headcase.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

Here's one picture from the "Snowpocalypse" lol. I really like this one, actually. And yes, looking at the architecture of buildings that mirror the one I live in, and see just how off-kilter some of them look...oh my. In our living room, actually, one windowsill is 2 inches higher than the other. And when we sit on desk chairs with wheels, we naturally slide across the hardwood floor, giving in to gravity. You get accustomed to grabbing your desk before putting your full body weight into the seat. Lol.

I've realized lately that honesty is incredibly important to me. I cannot stand liars anymore. I've hated myself for more of life than not, and now that I actually like myself, I feel so confident and it's helped me see what things matter. I've been shit on, and walked all over, and I'm over that. I got to start over when I moved out here, and it's really great to be able to do that! You can stay in one place so long that you just blend into the background and feel yourself fading out slowly. It was hard in a smaller place, where you knew a lot of people, and they already had an impression of you. A clean slate. And I haven't changed much. But I'm much braver! I can pretty much say anything I want to anyone and I'm not afraid to. I don't say disrespectful or mean things. Just things that need to be said and a lot of people are afraid to say them. For instance, the other day, a co-worker noticed some of our carts going up the elevator to the fancy-pants realtor's office that rents the top of our building. Which our store owns. When my managers found out, they began discussing who should go check it out. I instantly offered when I heard about it. I went next door and asked if they had any of our carts, since someone had saw some there. The lady looked around but didn't see any. When I got back, the managers (two really sweet girls in the late 20s) kept going on about how they could never have asked them about the carts! Yea, I was nervous (for some reason, I'm secretly terrified by the wealthy. I think I've seen too many movies about the rich being able to do anything they want cause money rules the world or something.), but I did it! lol. But seriously though. This ass came into work the other day saying some bullshit about how the Magic Jack should be 19.95, that he heard it advertised for that at Walgreens. I told him no, we've always sold it for 39.99, that's what it's advertised as, etc. He got all high and mighty with me, asking if he could bring it back and get a $20 refund when he proved me wrong. I told him no, we don't do price comparisons. He continued to annoy me, telling me how right he was and how wrong I was and how he was gonna come back and prove me wrong. A little later, I got called up for an IC3. He happened to be one of my customers. "Oh!" he says to me, "you were right by the way!" I told him that I knew I was right. He told me I didn't have to have an attitude. This, of course, pissed me off. I simply told him that I was only giving him the attitude he gave me. Go ahead and complain, sir, you won't be the first to complain about me. Okay, maybe the third in 2 years. I've never once been written up at work (knock on wood) and since I don't plan on moving up much further, I don't care if I do get a write-up. Shit, I've never been written up or even gotten detention. So bring it! lol jk jk.

But yea, honesty is great. I wish people couldn't lie. Like in Liar, Liar. That'd be so awesome.

First train home, got to get on it.

This is my boyfriend and I. We've been together for 3.5 years now. :)

He got a loan from school and we just paid off all of our credit cards! What a huuge relief!! Debt sucks! Now just to pay off all those yucky students loans we've piled up. Ick.

So this winter has been the worst one that Philadelphia has EVER seen. We had a 23 inch blizzard in early December, which was crazy for the area as it was. Then, last week, we got a lovely 28.5 inch blizzard that ranked second for all-time snowstorms here. And then on Wednesday, we got another foot and a half of snow on top of the two feet we already had! Insanity! I feel like this may be our fault..it seems to have followed us from Erie! On Wednesday, I was scheduled to work at 8. I got up at 6 to see what it looked like outside, and it wasn't too bad. I considered not going in, since it normally takes me 30+ minutes to make it to work. However, when I texted my manager to see if that was ok, she said yea, but the district manager said that we can't use any sort of personal day, sick day, or holiday! Which sucked, and I already missed work on Saturday cause the weather was so bad, so I went in. The roads sucked. Now, I am an amazing driver in the snow. I've had 6 years of practice with living in Erie, so it's honestly nothing for me. It's just that everyone here can't drive in this weather, so I have to deal with the idiots. Lots of them. A million and a half of them, actually. lol. So it was a stressful drive. I get to work, and we hear all these reports about how awful the weather is about to turn. Around 10 or so, the snow began to fall again-very hard. (that's what she said ;)) My manager, Ann, the pharmacist, Cory (both of who live in Old City, which is 35-40 blocks further from our store than I live!), and I decided we probably shouldn't try driving home..so we took the train. Well, Cory couldn't leave til the other pharmacist showed, so Ann and I left for the train. Luckily, it's only three blocks from our store, so not too bad of a walk. It was exciting though, and my first regional rail train ride! Then I had to get off at the 30th street station and walk to the subway, then take that to 46th, then walk 3 blocks home. Quite an adventure!

I've noticed I've been having a ton of random-ass adventures here that would NEVER have happened in Erie! And I love it! For instance, two weekends ago, Chris and I went with a bunch of people from his poli-sci program to this vegan restaurant in Chinatown. We got to rent out the downstairs banquet room, and did karaoke for hours!! It was soo much fun!! I was one of only two girls there lol but so much fun! And up until last year, I didn't sing in front of just anyone. In fact, I never really started singing in front of Chris until a few months ago. :)

I think I should write a book on how to drive/park/get around in a huge city during a blizzard! I got to drive a cab during the December blizzard, cause the driver couldn't get through an intersection. I got through first try! :) Then the other day, I watched this car of guys try over 15 times to get out of an alley behind my apartment. Finally, I went up and knocked on the driver's window. I told him that he shouldn't gun his engine, and instead gently go. He tried this, and I swear to god, he got out his first try! :D That's right, I'm amazing. lol.

Yesterday, we went sledding! In a city! There's a nice park about 5 blocks from us that we met up with some of our friends at. It was a ton of fun. There were tons of kids and adults there, and they were all really nice-some kids let us borrow some sleds since we just had cardboard!! However, I'm also the biggest klutz ever, cause I hurt my knee! I ruined the tendons and ligaments in my right ankle about 12 years ago, and never got it fixed. For the first time in 3 years I twisted said ankle, which didn't hurt, but it did hurt when I landed right on my left kneecap on the one patch of cleared-off cement! Ugh! It's pretty badly bruised, and hurts like hell, I'm hoping it'll be ok. This morning, I had to catch the subway and train again back to work to get my car, and while walking down some stairs in the train station, I missed the last step and landed hard on my knees again! Gah! I need a helmet and to be wrapped in bubble wrap, please!! :D

I really wish some of my good friends would move out here! The fun we would have...wow. It's just so amazing to live here, I love it!

I'm obsessed with "First Train Home" by Imogen Heap. Such a catchy song!

Is it too late to start with your heart in a headlock?

these are my xmas lights. I love them.

I kinda feel like I had an epiphany or something. Essentially, "Don't worry about what others think about you. Do what you want to, and do what is necessary to obtain happiness." I feel that embarrassment is a waste of emotion. You've got better things to do than sit around worrying about that silly thing you said to your coworkers, or that time that you tripped on the sidewalk in front of a crowd of people. It's okay! Everyone does it! You're human. You make mistakes and it's alright, just brush it off and learn from it. This is obviously so much easier said than done, but in the end, it's so worth it. I was single for 2.5 months last year. It was a really good thing, because I took that time to find myself and learn to stand up for myself and who I am. Don't lose yourself, and if you do, search and find it again; life is so much better when you can love yourself.